We are amused by a Hagar the Viking cartoon in which Lucky Eddie declares Norwegian girls to be the best.

The sea bandit says, ‘Yes, but Bulgarian girls are pretty, and they’re good cooks.’

Undeterred, the Viking’s unlucky helper raises the issue of language: ‘But a Bulgarian girl cannot speak to you!’

Hagar considers this for a moment before brightly replying: ‘And that’s another good thing.’

Marry a girl who struggles with English

Sharing one’s life with a lady whose language is different from one’s own is an enriching experience.

A friend whose lady friend was from the Baltic States when writing often sends him happy hags (hugs). She also sends him worm (warm) cuddles.

Her written endearments are an absolute delight; they would lose much of their charm had she a better understanding of English.

What you describe as killing a bird with one stone comes out as the farmer who shot two rabbits with one gun.

Bear Legs

She prefers her boyfriend to wear his shorts because she likes his beer (bare) legs.  

When telephoning to say she was on her way, she would typically say, ‘I will be there soon. Please put the cattle on.

He cocks the dinners up means he cook the dinners up but can’t be certain. Recently she crocheted a hut for her friend’s head.

I once told a Danish friend that I thought her very plucky. I never realized how close I was to being handbagged. Lisa was much offended until she checked out its English meaning.

The richness of language

Being plucky in Danish has a different implication, which I leave to your imagination. On saying goodnight, she did wish me sweat dreams: I hope she wasn’t being suggestive.

A German friend suggested we go to the pluffin for a meal. I realized he meant The Plough Inn.

At the bottom of a Chilean friend’s letter, the instruction: ‘please turn around.’  I did so several times before understanding he meant PTO as in ‘please turn over.’

Please don’t shoot many people

Then there was the English language student who asked: ‘Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?’

The teacher was taken aback when another student said: ‘Please don’t shoot so many people in my country.’

‘Could you repeat that very slowly?’ the tutor replied. The student spelt it out for her: ‘Police don’t shoot people in my country very often.’

Marriage proposal

I am glad that is cleared up. Another explained to her teacher: ‘My mother wants me to marry a good, successful man but I want to marry my boyfriend.’

A student of English was enthusiastic about her progress. She breathlessly observed that if she studied hard, she was sure of graduating in 2011 years.

Perhaps the same young lady who wrote, ‘we served a nice pig dinner’ after friends visited for a dinner party.

The verbally insane

One can hardly blame them. It has been said that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

One word or two?

An elderly couple having been friends for years decided to marry. Having discussed living and financial arrangements, the delicate subject is raised.

The elderly gentleman asks his soon-to-be bride how often a ‘physical arrangement’ might be presumed.

She replies: ‘Infrequently.’ He pauses for a moment and then asks: ‘Is that one word or two?’  Let readers know what you think

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